Beautifully Broken Control Read online

  Anna poked her head out from the kitchen. “Hey, lovebirds, get with the program. This chili isn’t going to cook itself, and I need to see if that meatloaf was a fluke or if Handsome there is the next top chef.”

  I couldn’t hold in my laugh, but Lizzie gasped. “Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?”

  I gave a quick shake of my head. “No, honey. We’re just”—I paused for a second—“friends.” It wasn’t entirely true, but maybe we could be.

  Lizzie looked to Cain. “You should ask her to be your girlfriend. Tommy asked me to be his girlfriend, and now we’re getting married.”

  Cain’s brows furrowed. “Who’s Tommy?”

  I tugged on his arm. “Come on, oh, overprotective one. We’ve got chili to cook.”

  Cain looked behind him at a giggling Lizzie as I pulled him towards the kitchen. “But I need Tommy’s last name if I’m going to run a background check.”

  The night had flown by. The shelter was a full house, with one of our residents getting a cake to celebrate his new job, and a youth group serving dinner. Everything was madness and mayhem in the best possible way. Nights like these filled my soul. Gave me hope.

  There were good people in the world. Ones who would do anything to help someone struggling. And there was always time for a second chance at life. I saw it every time one of the residents graduated out of temporary housing with a job and a real home. It reminded me that anything was possible for me, too.

  Cain pulled the door open for me, and the cool air hit me in a blast. I pulled my sweatshirt out of my bag. “Just when you think summer’s around the corner.”

  “It’s that mountain air.” Cain shuffled his feet as he waited for me to unlock my bike. “Can we talk?”

  My stomach flipped. “Sure. Want to give me a ride home?”

  Cain chuckled, the sound seeming to slide over my skin, a wave of invisible vibrations. “You know I do.”

  I grinned into the night. “Bandits are always afoot.”

  He took my bike from my hold and steered it towards his SUV. “There could be a herd of rabid deer.”

  “Heaven forbid those guys get me.”

  In a matter of minutes, we were settled in Cain’s vehicle and heading towards the Kettle. Cain shifted in his seat, the leather creaking in the silence. “I’m sorry I overstepped. I did get a system in your apartment, but I dialed back the setup.”

  I let out a breath. “Thank you.”

  “And I hear you about the car. I just—” He shifted again, adjusting his hold on the steering wheel. “I have a need to fix things.”

  My body stiffened. “I don’t need to be fixed, Cain. I’m doing just fine. Better than.” If he knew the wreckage I’d come from, maybe he’d be able to see. Money, things, they didn’t always solve everything. Sometimes, they made it so much worse.

  Cain winced. “I know you don’t need to be fixed. I just saw a situation that could be improved. I have the ability to do it, so why not help?”

  “Improved for you. My bike, my life…it’s how I want it.”

  He ran a hand through his hair, distressing it into artful waves. “I’m getting that.”

  I studied him in the darkness, trying to see past his careful words. There was something below the surface. The why of it all. “Where does this come from?”

  Cain gripped the wheel tighter, his knuckles bleaching white. “I lost someone I cared about.”

  My chest constricted in a painful squeeze. “I’m sorry.”

  He shook his head. “I just wanted to make sure you were safe. And, sometimes, I can go a bit overboard with all of that stuff.”

  There were so many questions I wanted to ask. But I knew if I asked a single one, I’d be inviting the same. And that was a door I simply couldn’t open. “Thanks for telling me.” He nodded into the dark. My voice was as gentle as I could make it. “But I’m not giving up my bike.”

  The hands on the wheel tightened again. “Will you let me drive you home after Hope House, at least?”

  What harm would that do? Cain wasn’t going to be around forever. He’d take his vacation here for a season, and then he’d head back to Portland. To his real life. This was simply a break from reality for him. “For now.”

  Cain’s lips twitched. “I’ll take it.”

  14

  Cain

  I pulled to a stop behind the Kettle. The urge to check out the whole building before Kennedy went inside was so strong. The security system wasn’t in place yet. I beat it back, my eyes scanning the windows. No movement. Everything was fine.

  “Why did you come to Sutter Lake?”

  The question caught me off guard. I thought for sure Kenz would have asked something about who I’d lost. How? What had happened? But she’d let me off the hook. I studied her face, searching for what, I wasn’t sure. “I needed to get away. Needed some peace and quiet to deal with a few things.” It was a bit of a cop-out answer, and I knew it. I had the urge to give her more, but I couldn’t give her anything that would lead to discussions of Kiara. “And someone’s attacking my company from the inside. I don’t know who I can trust. It helps to have a place away from all that to work on a project that’s the future of Halo—my company. One that, if it fell into my competition’s hands, would sink me.”

  Kennedy’s eyes flared as if she were shocked that I’d given her so much information. But unless she was the best actress I’d ever met, this was not someone I needed to worry about revealing my secrets. “I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of that.”

  “Me, too.” Paul had done the survey of our system, and someone had, in fact, been let in through backdoor means. Three different programs had been compromised. Tonight, I’d work on the system remotely, shoring up our defenses and reworking things so every entry point would require two employees to access it. Well, for everyone but me.

  “Is there anything I can do?” Kennedy’s voice was kind, honest, true.

  I grinned at her. “You can let me drive you home.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I already agreed.”

  I shrugged. “It helps.”

  “Well, then I best be getting you that driving cap.”

  I chuckled. “I’m officially warned.”

  We hopped out of the SUV, and I lifted her bike out so she could lock it up again. “Here.” I handed her the set of keys Jensen had given me. “Jensen gave me these so I could lock up.”

  Her eyes narrowed in mock assessment. “You didn’t paw through my underwear drawer, did you?”

  My laughter deepened. “No, but your dog did drool on me.”

  Pink hit her cheeks. “Sorry about that. He’s got overactive salivary glands.”

  “Is that the technical diagnosis?”

  She smiled, and it felt like a physical blow. I thought I’d seen her smile before, at Jensen or Lizzie or Anna, but I hadn’t. Nothing like this. It was full and unabashed and so damn beautiful it almost hurt to look at her. “It means he likes you. He gifted you with his drool.”

  I swallowed hard, trying to clear my throat. “I’ll try to remember that.”

  Kennedy’s feet shuffled against the pavement. “I need to head up. I’ve got an early day tomorrow.”

  “I’ll be by in the morning to finish the system and show you how it works.”

  “No sensors that are going to blow me or Chuck up if we step on the wrong floorboard, right?”

  “Chuck?” Who the hell was Chuck?

  She laughed. “Mr. Drool.”

  The tension that had seeped into my muscles eased. “You and Mr. Drool are safe from spontaneous combustion.”

  Kennedy swept a hand over her brow. “Phew.”

  “Goodnight, Kenz.”

  Her gaze met mine. “Goodnight, Cain.”

  I watched as she unlocked the door, waited until I heard the deadbolt slide back into place, and even longer until I saw a light come on upstairs. She was home. Safe.

  I climbed into my Rover and hit a button on my console. “Call Mu
rphy.”

  It rang a few times before someone answered. “Cain, how are you? It’s been too long.”

  I headed down the alley and turned towards home. “I’m sorry for calling so late.”

  “It’s not even nine. And you know you can call anytime you need.”

  I did. And that, in and of itself, was a gift. “Something happened.”

  “Are you all right?” The sound of a door closing came across the line.

  “I’m fine. I just…something triggered me.” More like someone.

  “Walk me through it.”

  I started with what had brought me to Sutter Lake, all that had happened at my company, being back with Tuck and Walker, and finally meeting Kennedy. “I don’t know. I just get the impression that she’s hiding from something, and when I saw her getting ready to ride that bike home all by herself, it flipped something in me.”

  Murphy cleared his throat. The sound was so familiar, one I’d heard session after session. “How long has it been since you spent any real time in a small town or any place similar to where you grew up?”

  “Not more than a couple of days since I buried Kiara.” There was that burn at the back of my throat again at the mention of her name.

  “I want to acknowledge that in and of itself. Places hold power, memories, reminders. I think it says a lot that you’re facing all of that. Especially given everything that burying your mother must have brought up.”

  I blew out a harsh breath. “But I’m losing it. I wanted to wire this girl’s—someone I barely know, by the way—apartment like it was the Pentagon. I wanted to buy her a car. I’ve only known her for a couple of weeks.”

  Something tapped in the background, most likely a pen against Murphy’s desk. “Kiara had a bike that she rode everywhere. Didn’t she?”

  My jaw turned to granite, so rock-hard I thought it might crack. Visions assailed me. A teal bike with a woven basket. I’d even gotten one of those silly bells to put on it. I couldn’t afford to buy her a car, so I’d gotten her a damn bike. “She did.” My voice was ragged, as though I’d just smoked a full pack of cigarettes.

  “Places and items hold power, Cain. Cut yourself some slack. I think you’re doing remarkably well.” Murphy paused for a moment, seeming to choose his words carefully. “I don’t think it would hurt to start up our sessions again, however. We can do them over the phone.”

  I swallowed hard. “I don’t want this to turn into another situation like Janie.”

  “It won’t. You’d just lost your sister, Cain. It was understandable that you fixated on keeping the other woman in your life safe.”

  I let out a laugh that was nothing but ugly. Dr. Murphy was always letting me off the hook, trying to get me to be more forgiving of myself. But he hadn’t smothered his girlfriend so much that she’d cheated. And he hadn’t beaten the guy she’d cheated with to the point of unconsciousness.

  Memories assaulted me. The sheer panic every time Janie had left my sight. The incessant phone calls to make sure she was all right. Finding her at that frat house. Totally and completely losing it.

  Miraculously, the guy hadn’t pressed charges, and I hadn’t been kicked out of school. A murdered sister bought you some leeway, apparently. But Janie had transferred schools, leaving me with only the knowledge that I had ruined the last good thing in my life.

  If it weren’t for Walker and Tuck, I didn’t think I would have made it. I would’ve drowned at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. They’d found Dr. Murphy. For the first three months, one of them had driven me to Murphy’s office three days a week, knowing that if they didn’t, I wouldn’t have gone.

  It wasn’t that I was against seeking help. I’d known I needed it. Desperately. It was just that everything felt like too much effort. I was moving through life with an extra five hundred pounds on my back. The weight of guilt and shame and sorrow.

  Slowly, things began to change. The weight shifted. There were days when it still felt as if it would drag me down, but there were others where it only felt like a suitcase I was dragging behind me. That was the thing about grief, it was ever-changing. The most hopeful thing of all was the knowledge that no state I found myself in was final.

  “Cain.” Murphy’s voice jolted me back into the present moment. “You’ve come so far. But your coping mechanism has always been to cut out anything that might cause you to stumble, to struggle.”

  I bristled at that. I wasn’t afraid of a challenge. I’d built Halo from the ground up, started with no more than five hundred dollars in my pocket, and the determination to succeed. That didn’t mean I wasn’t terrified to fail, but I let every failure teach me, fuel me, spur me on.

  “I’m not talking about business or your boxing or any other task that you’ve set your mind to accomplishing, Cain. You are one of the smartest and most hardworking people I know.” My shoulders eased a bit. “I’m talking about emotionally.”

  The tension in my muscles ramped right back up. “I’m being cautious.”

  Murphy sighed. “Drinking was a crutch. You’re not an addict, but you cut it out entirely. Caring for another woman caused you fear, so you cut out women altogether.”

  I punched in the code to my gate a little more forcefully than necessary. “I haven’t exactly been celibate, Doc.”

  “Fine. You avoid any women you have the potential to care about.”

  “I have female friends. Jensen and Sarah.” I didn’t know why I was arguing, he was right.

  “Both of whom you have no sexual interest in, am I right?” I stayed silent. “I’m right. I’ve got your first assignment.”

  I threw my SUV into park in front of my house. “You and your damn assignments. I didn’t miss those one bit.”

  Murphy chuckled. “I want you to find reasons to be around Kennedy. And I want you to live in the uncomfortable feelings that come up. Breathe into them. But don’t do anything to get them to go away. Don’t try to manage them.”

  I hissed out a breath. “I’m volunteering at the shelter with her.”

  “That’s perfect. Start keeping a journal. Track what comes up. And we’ll talk in a few days.”

  “I’m worried I won’t be able to control it. That I’ll lose it again.” Just saying the words made me feel so incredibly weak.

  “You called me for help before things got bad. You’re so much stronger now. Wiser. Whether we like it or not, grief is sometimes our greatest teacher.”

  I’d give back every ounce of wisdom and strength if I could just have one more afternoon at the pond with Kiara. One more trip to the ice cream parlor. One more movie night where we laughed ourselves sick. “I have to go.” The raggedness in my voice was back.

  “Okay. Be kind to yourself, Cain.”

  “Talk soon, Doc.” I hung up and headed straight for the garage, thanking the universe that my gym equipment had been delivered with my furniture. I didn’t bother changing. Simply unbuttoned my shirt and hung in on a weight rack. I slipped on the boxing gloves and began slow, testing jabs on the bag.

  The hits picked up speed, force. I lost myself in the rhythm. In the sounds. I let out everything I’d kept so tightly bottled up for the past twenty-four hours. I unleashed all the ugliness I held inside, the self-hatred, the pain, focused it all on the bag.

  I didn’t stop until I could barely hold up my arms. My chest heaved, and sweat poured off me in waves. But the pain. There was barely a dent in that.

  15

  Kennedy

  The grass tickled my toes as I arched my aching feet. I was so very glad to have this afternoon off from dance and not just because it meant a trip to the park with Chuck. Dancing in pointe shoes that needed to be replaced meant that I’d bruised a toenail pretty badly.

  I was used to dancing through pain, but this was just stupid. I needed new shoes. I opened up my notebook and wrote down my upcoming expenses, wincing when I remembered to add the cost of Annabeth’s classes for the month. I could take some of the end-of-the-day baked good
s home with me, but that meant less for the shelter.

  I nibbled on the end of my pen. Maybe I could offer to take over one of Seraphina’s classes for extra hours. If I got the cheap pointe shoes, it would all work out. I scratched between Chuck’s ears. “We’ll figure it out.”

  I pulled out a piece of paper from the notebook and tore it into five strips. “A little reminder never hurt anyone.” Chuck let out a snore of agreement.

  I paused for a moment before I began writing, tapping the pen to my lips. Sunshine afternoons at the park with Chuck. I folded the slip and tucked it into the back of my journal so I could place it in my jar when I got home, then repeated the process.

  The perfect marionberry muffin. The ability to help Annabeth stay in dance class. I looked around, my gaze settling on the worn library hardback. Rereading an old favorite. Lizzie’s smile when Cain braided her hair.

  My thoughts began to wander, dark blue eyes flashing in my mind. I shook my head. “Not for you, girl.” I needed to date someone like Doug. My stomach turned at the thought. That wasn’t fair to Doug, but there was simply no spark there. No fire. Nothing that drew me to him in a way that felt effortlessly magnetic.

  I flipped my journal closed and picked up the mini tennis ball. “Want to play?”

  Chuck perked right up. You’d never know he was a senior citizen. He hopped up and down, letting out a playful growl. I laughed and let the ball fly, throwing it as far as I could. Chuck took off like a rocket.

  There was something about his brown floppy ears flapping in the wind like they were wings that might help him take flight that put the biggest dopey grin on my face. He dropped the drool-soaked ball in my lap, and I groaned. “Really, Chuck?” He only barked his demand that I throw it again. I, of course, obeyed.

  On the way back, he was side-tracked by a woman with a dog who looked like Chuck’s twin. She waved. “How do you get him to fetch? I can barely get Louie off the couch.”

  I grinned. “Chuck sleeps about twenty out of twenty-four hours. But bring out a tennis ball, and he’s a different dog.”