Beautifully Broken Pieces Read online

  Beautifully Broken Pieces

  Catherine Cowles

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Epilogue

  Bonus Scene

  Enjoy This Book?

  Acknowledgments

  Also Available From Catherine Cowles

  About Catherine Cowles

  Stay Connected

  BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN PIECES

  * * *

  Copyright © 2018 by Catherine Cowles and The PageSmith LLC. All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  * * *

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  * * *

  Editor: Susan Barnes

  Copy Editor: Chelle Olson

  Proofreading: Grahame Claire

  Paperback Formatting: Stacey Blake, Champagne Book Designs

  Cover Design: Hang Le

  This book is for anyone who has lost someone. Just remember, the cracks in your heart will let others’ light shine in if you let it.

  * * *

  And, as always, for my Dad. I carry you with me always. Eternally grateful to be your daughter.

  Prologue

  Taylor

  Did you know that when you choose to take someone off life support, they mute the heart monitor? That continual beeping you hadn’t realized had become your constant companion is suddenly gone. So, the room is completely silent when your whole reason for being slips from this Earth.

  Completely silent and deafening, all at the same time.

  1

  Taylor

  There was something about the air here. It was clean. Pure. And it had a fragrance to it I hadn’t encountered before. It was something the trees released into the atmosphere around them. I pulled a long breath into my lungs, holding it there as I stared out at the scene below.

  Craggy mountaintops still topped with snow shifted into heavily forested slopes which met up with a pristine lake. I sucked in another breath. It was beautiful. Peaceful. Largely untouched by humans in all the ways we could fuck things up.

  An arm came around my shoulders. “It’s beautiful, right?” Carter asked.

  I glanced at my best friend. Her strawberry-blonde hair was piled on top of her head in a haphazard attempt to keep it out of her face while we hiked to the top of this lookout. “It is.”

  “I’m so glad my mom recommended it—” Her words were cut off as color leached from her face, and she dropped her arms from my shoulder. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

  This time, it was me cutting her off. “You can talk about your mom, Carter.”

  “Okay…” Her words trailed off, and an awkward silence descended on us.

  It had been ninety-seven days, twelve hours, and fifty-two minutes since my mother’s heart had stopped beating. I couldn’t help but mark that time. Always aware of every minute the world kept spinning without her. That seemed crazy sometimes. Absolutely insane that the universe could still exist without her. That I could exist without her.

  There were moments when it still didn’t seem real. Times when I could convince myself that this had all been a terrible nightmare. That I hadn’t really watched her body slowly start to fail her. Hadn’t seen her struggle to even lift her hand to hold mine. That her skin hadn’t turned so papery, I could see right through to her veins.

  But it had happened. No begging, pleading, bargaining, or praying had kept her with me. My rock, my safe place, my best friend was gone.

  I shook my head, attempting to clear it. Forcing cheeriness into my voice, I asked, “How did your mom find out about this place again?” Carter was from Georgia, and we were currently in the middle of nowhere Oregon.

  Carter twisted her fingers into a series of complicated knots at her side. “She has a sorority sister who grew up here. Told her it was pure magic. It is, right?”

  Pure magic was a perfect description. “It is.” I snuck a peek at Carter again. Lines of worry creased her brow. I hated that I was the cause of it. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

  A genuine smile tipped her lips. “I’m so glad you finally agreed.”

  After months filled with arranging a funeral, handling the never-ending minutia that came with someone dying, and packing up my mom’s house in Houston, I was spent. Carter had begged me to let her plan a trip for us that would be full of nothing but rest, relaxation, good food, and nature. I had been too exhausted to put up more than a half-hearted fight, even though what I wanted more than anything was to be alone.

  The constant assessing stares and carefully couched questions about how I was doing were almost more than I could bear. My fists clenched, nails biting into my palms. All Carter wanted to do was take care of me. She was the best friend a girl could hope for, and I couldn’t even give her that.

  Cracking branches and rustling underbrush sounding from behind us had Carter and I turning around.

  “Jesus, I’m pretty sure I just got poison ivy on my ass,” our good friend, Liam, bellowed.

  Carter tried to hide her giggle by covering her mouth. I did nothing to disguise my snort of laughter.

  Carter’s husband, Austin, trailed after Liam, a disgusted grimace on his face. “I really don’t need to hear about that.”

  “Hey, you might have some, too. Nothing could be worse than poison ivy on your junk.”

  Carter slipped her backpack off her shoulders. “I have some hand wipes. Why don’t you both use them.”

  Liam grinned at Carter, taking a wipe from her outstretched hand. “Thank you, ma’am.” After tossing the used towelette into his pack, Liam made his way towards me. He pulled me to his side. “How are you holding up?” His tone had gone from teasing to gently serious, and I freaking hated it.

  “I’m good.” I elbowed him in the gut. “Now get your possibly contagious, dirty fingers away from me.”

  Liam chuckled, but there was concern in his eyes as he studied me. I felt like a bug under a microscope.

  I tightened the straps of my pack. “What do you say? Race you back to the car?”

  I didn’t wait for an answer, just took off down the t
rail at a fast clip. Voices drifted on the air behind me.

  “Since when is she the athlete?” Liam asked.

  “She started running the first time her mom got sick…” Carter began.

  I pushed myself faster until I could no longer hear my friends.

  Our rented SUV hugged the curves of the mountain road as we headed away from the peaks towards town. An old-timey sign declared Welcome To Sutter Lake in white lettering. My eyes traveled down Main Street, taking in the storefronts that looked like they had been frozen in Old West times, complete with hitching posts in front of most of them. Baskets of bright blooms hung from each street sign, and benches sat in shady spots below trees with vibrant green leaves.

  Austin pulled into a parking spot in front of an old-fashioned saloon. No parking meter. That was different from the two cities I’d most recently called home. I released my seat belt and pushed open my door. We’d been told by the woman who rented us the vacation home that the saloon had the best burgers in a hundred-mile radius. I doubted anything could beat In-N-Out, but I was willing to do some research to find out.

  Carter stepped up next to me, squeezing my shoulder. “This place is so cute, right?”

  I fought the urge to shake off her hand. The overabundance of comforting gestures lately had begun to make my skin crawl. “The cutest.”

  Austin pulled his wife to his side, brushing his lips against her brow. “What I care about is how good the burgers are.”

  “And the beer. Don’t forget the beer,” Liam called.

  We pushed through the pair of swinging doors and made our way to the hostess station. A young girl, probably high-school aged, stood behind a podium. “How many—?” Her words cut off as her eyes bugged out. “Y-y-you’re Liam Fairchild.”

  It was funny, I so often forgot that Liam was a celebrity. It wasn’t until we were in situations like these that I remembered he was a world-famous musician.

  Liam put his charming-bugger smile in place. “That I am, darling. But what do you say we keep that little secret between us? Wouldn’t want my vacation hideout to get discovered.” The girl nodded vigorously. “I’d be happy to sign something for you if you’d like.”

  “That would be awesome,” she whispered and then fumbled for a paper and pen.

  While Liam made the young girl’s year, I studied the space. The Old West theme continued with wagon wheels and wood signs decorating the walls. The combination restaurant and bar was about half full, most inhabitants opting for one of the cozy booths that hugged the outskirts of the room.

  My eyes continued on towards the bar area and stuttered on two men eating lunch and watching some sports thing on the TV in the corner. They were both well-built. One blond. One with hair so dark brown, it was almost black. The second man threw his head back, letting out a bellow of laughter that was so rich and carefree, it hit me right in the chest. Would I ever laugh like that again? Like I had no worries in the world?

  Someone bumped into my shoulder. “Enjoying a little eye candy?”

  I grimaced at Liam. “No. Are you done fulfilling every teenage fangirl’s dream?”

  He wrapped an arm around my shoulders to lead me towards the table that Carter and Austin were already seated at. “It’s a heavy burden being America’s sweetheart.”

  “America’s sweetheart is Julia Roberts, you jackass,” Austin called from the table.

  I let my friends’ voices fade into background noise as I twisted to get one more peek at the man with the captivating laugh—but he was already gone.

  2

  Taylor

  * * *

  The smell of antiseptic stung my nostrils as that damned beep, beep, beep sounded in my ears. “I love you to the moon and back, my sweet girl.” My mother’s voice was haggard and rough. Then, there was silence. That dreaded silence that meant she was gone.

  My eyes shot open. The covers seemed to suffocate me as I struggled to get free. Finally, I was able to extricate myself from the tangled mess. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, trying to slow my breathing and steady my heart rate. I needed air.

  I stood on shaky legs, making my way through the darkened cabin towards the back deck. My t-shirt, damp with sweat, clung to my back. If I were alone, I would have torn the damned thing off.

  Sliding the door open and moving forward, my feet touched chilly planks. I gripped the railing, bending to press my forehead against it. The cool mountain air rushed over me, calming my overheated skin, and the sweet smell on the breeze seemed to ease my panicked breaths. Slowly, my heart rate began to return to normal.

  I straightened and tipped my face up to the sky. The stars were so bright here. I’d never seen anything like it. No ambient city lights to dull their shine. “Mom, are you up there?” I mouthed the words to the silent breeze as tears pricked the backs of my eyes. What I wanted more than anything was a promise that I would be reunited with her one day. In Heaven, in the stars, anywhere I could feel her presence.

  The pastor at my mom’s memorial service had promised that she was in a better place. But how did he know for sure? I prayed to God and the Universe for a sign constantly. Anything that would let me know she was at peace. That I would see her again. I never got a damn thing, and I was looking.

  I blew out a long breath and settled myself in one of the rocking chairs on the porch. The sounds of a bubbling creek nearby, crickets chirping, and the blades of the rocker hitting the boards of the deck were my only companions. It was kind of perfect. It was quiet, without the deafening silence of my nightmares.

  Sleep wouldn’t find me anytime soon, though. No matter how hard I tried, rest always refused to come after one of those dreams. It was a nightly battle I won, only if I had exhausted my body the day before. I needed to be so tired that I fell into sleep so deep, the nightmares couldn’t find me. It was so very ironic. I used to hate working out with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, but now, it was my salvation.

  Soft footfalls sounded against the wood-planked floor. I fought the frustration that rose at my solitude being interrupted. I wiped my face to erase any stray tears and attempted to blank my expression. I wanted no pitying looks or careful tones.

  The problem was, I didn’t know what I wanted. Or needed. All I knew was that I wanted to crawl out of my skin when people looked at me like I was going to crumble at any moment. Maybe because I was afraid I would crumble. That I would break apart into a million pieces and never be able to put myself back together again.

  Carter appeared at my side. She looked a mess. Rumpled PJs, blurry eyes, and the hair piled on top of her head resembled a rat’s nest. I was fairly certain it had gotten into that state thanks to her husband’s ravaging. Austin loved my best friend with a ferocity that made my heart ache.

  Carter slid into the chair next to mine. “Couldn’t sleep?”

  I let a single shoulder rise and fall. “Sleeping’s not really my strong suit these days. Did I wake you?”

  Carter gave me a sympathetic smile. The same one she’d been giving me for months. An expression that made me want to throttle her. And I loved this girl to the depths of my soul. “You didn’t really wake me. Since having Ethan, I feel like I never fully descend into sleep. I’m always half listening for sounds of baby distress.”

  I inwardly cringed at my earlier frustration. My best friend had left her child at home for the first time since having him because she was worried about me. Because she wanted to take me away from any place that held memories of my mom. Needed to do something to help ease my pain.

  “How is the little monster?” I asked.

  A happier smile came to her face. “He’s great. I talked to my mom before bed, and it sounded like he’s enjoying being spoiled rotten by his grandparents.”

  A small grin spread across my lips. “Ethan’s lucky to have them.”

  Carter froze. “I didn’t mean to bring up—"

  I cut her off, waving a hand in front of my face. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just mea
nt that he has amazing grandparents.” Would every conversation from now on be a careful traverse of a minefield?

  I took another deep breath, letting the smell of the surrounding pine trees calm me. “I really love it here.”

  Carter’s eyes scanned the fields that turned into vast forest. “I’m so glad. I do, too. There’s something really special about it.”

  I smiled to myself. “There’s a peacefulness I’ve never experienced before. Something about the sound of the water and the smell of the air. I feel like I can breathe here.”

  Carter chuckled. “Well, compared to home, the air is just a little fresher.”

  Carter and I had met in Los Angeles as teachers working in the Teach For Our Youth program. We had bonded quickly, and soon became roommates. But when my mom got sick, I’d had to return to Texas to take care of her. And I never made it back to LA. It just wasn’t home anymore.

  An idea flickered in my mind. It was crazy, but maybe that was exactly what I needed.